I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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