so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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