i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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