even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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