btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
