you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
