Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
