I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
