I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You pole danced in your parka.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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