Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
