Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
