I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
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