I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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