grandma shit on top of the toilet
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
