I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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