Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
