I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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