I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
