I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
