I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
