I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
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