I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
You smell like stripper and shame
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
