on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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