just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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