I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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