He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
