he was CRYING into my vagina
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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