Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
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I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
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I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding