First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
