mondays should just be called national damage control day
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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