I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
