I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
