I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
