Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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