I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Enjoy the penises
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
