What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
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its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
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Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
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