Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my being single is dangerous.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
