I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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