i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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