I just pynch a tree in the face
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
