Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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