My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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