Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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