and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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