It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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