i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
