Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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