Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Let's get the cat blown out
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
