If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
