the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
