There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
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After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
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I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
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