Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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