I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
