im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
