broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
