omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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